


We've All Got History in Gotham

by kimirce



Category: Gotham (TV), Justice League & Justice League Unlimited (Cartoons), Justice League - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Gen, Humor, M/M, Reveal, in my docs it's labeled 'excuse for Selina and Jeremiah to argue', kinda fun though, not really a proper fic, okay I'll be honest this is basically a crack fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:48:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24445318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimirce/pseuds/kimirce
Summary: Batman has been taken by alien enemies of the Justice League. As Wonder Woman, Superman, Flash and Green Lantern prepare to retrieve him, they are joined by unexpected guests.
Relationships: Batman & Joker, Diana (Wonder Woman) & Bruce Wayne, Diana (Wonder Woman) & Clark Kent & Barry Allen & John Stewart, Diana (Wonder Woman) & Selina Kyle, Diana (Wonder Woman)/Bruce Wayne, Jeremiah Valeska & Bruce Wayne, Jeremiah Valeska/Bruce Wayne, Selina Kyle & Bruce Wayne, Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne, not really it's more like one-sided obsession
Comments: 18
Kudos: 147





	We've All Got History in Gotham

**Author's Note:**

> This doesn't really have any proper plot. I mean, maybe I'll fix it up at some point, but for now, all you need to know is that Batman is missing, and everyone's worried and wants him back. 
> 
> I don't feel it's very well-written, and it's not exactly a realistic scenario, but I find it amusing, so maybe you will too.

Diana takes a breath and looks around the Watchtower bay. She meets Kal’s eyes, and he gives her a tense nod. Barry is nearly vibrating with his need to get moving. The room is empty except for the three of them, and they are just waiting for John to arrive so they can go after Bruce.

The tension in the room is thick. Diana knows that Kal and Barry are just as worried as she is. They all know that Bruce is perfectly capable of looking after himself, but he’s alone in a hostile environment without any backup. It’s impossible not to fear for his safety.

An unexpected voice breaks the silence. “Well, you all look nice and glum,” she purrs. “Moping over Batman? I’m not sure he’d approve of that.”

Catwoman stalks into the light, tinted goggles glinting. Barry nearly jumps out of his skin with surprise. All three Leaguers turn to face her warily.

“Catwoman,” Diana greets coolly. “How did you get here?”

Catwoman waves a dismissive hand examining her nails. “Not important, Cheekbones.” She looks up to meet their eyes, and something in her demeanor changes.

“You _are_ going after Bruce, right?” she asks. Diana feels shock ripple through her. How does _Catwoman_ know Batman’s identity? Bruce is so careful. How is this possible?

Kal and Barry look just as dumbfounded as she feels. Catwoman sighs. “Can we skip the shock and the ‘How in the world do you know who he is’ part? We all have better things to do.”

In an instant, Kal is in front of her with a hand curled into her collar. “Like what?” he snarls, his worry and anger leaking through. “Exposing his secret to the world?”

Catwoman’s eyes widen almost imperceptibly at his movement, and then she rolls her eyes and calls to Diana, “Princess, will you get this idiot off of me?”

Diana glares at her, but steps forward and lays a hand on Kal’s shoulder, and sees Barry on his other side. “Kal, this isn’t the way,” she reminds him.

His hands unclench and he steps back. “You’re right,” Kal says tightly, still eyeing Catwoman angrily.

Catwoman brushes herself off with the disdainful air of an offended cat.

“You still need to explain yourself,” Kal tells her.

Catwoman sighs again. Then, she takes her goggles off and pulls off her cat-eared hood, revealing wide-spaced, catlike bright green eyes, and a head of riotous brown-blonde curls.

Diana, Barry and Kal look at her with confusion at this unexpected reveal.

Then Kal exclaims, “I’ve seen you before,” and Diana and Barry look at him questioningly. Kal looks at Catwoman. “You’re Selina Kyle,” he says. “I’ve seen you in the society pages of the Gotham Gazette.”

Catwoman – Selina – raises a fine eyebrow. “Glad to know I made an impression, boy scout.”

Kal bristles, and Selina raises a hand. “Look, I’m not here to fight,” she says. “I’m going with you to get Bruce back.”

They all stare at her incredulously. “No, you’re not,” Diana says.

At the same time, Barry asks “ _Why?_ ”

Selina gives Diana a dirty look, but answers Barry.

“Well, first off, I’ve known who was under that mask of his since the day he put it on, and he knows it. His identity is safe with me.”

The Leaguers share glances, and Selina continues.

“Bruce and I have…been at odds for a while now,” she begins slowly. “But some things never change. And even though he’s a _giant ass_ , he’s still Bruce.” Selina pauses. “My best friend. Everything I had.”

Diana reels at this declaration, and wants to refute it, but there is something in Selina’s expression that is too serious, something in her eyes that is too honest. Barry and Kal must see it too, because they are also quiet.

Barry breaks the silence, hesitantly. “How?”

Selina sighs again. _She does that a lot,_ Diana notes absently.

“I’m not giving you our whole life story,” Selina tells them, and the way she says that, our life story, as though they are not separate, is very telling. “But I’ve known Bruce since he was ten.” They all know the significance of that age in his life. “We spent most of the next eight years together, even living together for some of it. He’s the closest thing I’ve got to family. All the other stuff that happens in our lives doesn’t change that – even though he’s still a jerk.” She straightens and looks them in the eyes.

“I’m coming with you.” She says, and Diana doesn’t feel inclined to argue. She has many, many questions, and sees most of them reflected in Kal’s and Barry’s eyes, but they seem inclined to acquiesce as well.

Kal smiles at her. “I suppose we could use the help,” he says. “Welcome on board.” Selina smiles back at him.

“Well now, don’t forget about me,” a new voice drawls. All four of them turn to face the newcomer on guard. They _all_ recognize that distinctive voice.

“Joker,” Kal spits. He steps forward and then his steps stutter. Kal catches himself before he falls to the ground, but his skin is veined green. Diana steps forward to prop him up and haul him back as the Joker steps into the light, holding a piece of kryptonite.

“What the _hell_ are you doing here?” Selina demands, and her voice is filled with palpable loathing and disdain.

The Joker giggles. “Same as you, Kitty Cat.” He looks at the Leaguers, enjoying the sight of Superman needing his friends to prop him up. Then he sighs theatrically and claps the lead case back onto the kryptonite. “Truce, okay?”

Diana sees Kal barely restrain himself from going after him again and fights the same impulse in herself.

“How?” Kal demands breathlessly.

The Joker grins dementedly. “I played follow the leader, of course. Or in this case, follow the _cat_.” He cackles at his own little joke.

All three Leaguers glare at Selina, whose eyes are narrowed in annoyance. She sees them glaring at her, and her expression changes to indignancy. “What? I never would have led _him_ here on purpose!”

The Joker laughs. “The Kitty Cat is telling the truth! We have _history_. She hates me!” He cackles loudly. “But I knew she’d be going after our dear Bruce, so I had her followed. I wasn’t expecting to discover this little gem though!” He sounds dementedly delighted.

“Bruce is not _your_ anything,” Selina protests with irritation. The Joker’s mirth halts abruptly.

“He is my _everything_. He and I bound together for all our lives. What you have with him is _nothing_ next to our bond.” The Joker’s voice is intense, and Diana realizes with a start that he absolutely believes everything he’s saying.

Barry and Kal are just as dumbfounded as she is. “Did…” Barry trails off. “Did the Joker just declare his love for Batman?” He asks quietly. The three of them share an utterly lost look as they listen to the extremely strange conversation occurring in front of them.

“He hates you!” Selina is saying. “You’ve done nothing but hurt him. You’re just pathetically obsessed with him.”

The Joker sneers. “Love, hate, it doesn’t matter. I’m the most important person in his life.”

“No, you’re not!” Selina hisses through bared teeth.

“Um,” Barry interrupts, and Selina and the Joker both turn to look at him with vexation written on their faces.

“What!” they both exclaim, and then look at each other in disgust.

“I just feel like we,” he gestures to himself, Diana, and Kal, “are missing something here.” He pauses. “What the heck is going on? And- how do _you_ \- ” he gestures at the Joker “ _also_ know Batman’s secret identity?”

The Joker’s grin is a little too wide. “Same as the kitty cat, of course. I knew it was him the instant he showed up in his shiny new costume after he _finally came home_.”

The Joker looks at them, and somehow those bright, glassy eyes of his look less insane than any of them have ever seen him look. “Here’s what’s going on. Bruce is _mine_. I’m coming with you to help get him back.”

“He’s _not_ yours, you delusional clown,” Selina spits.

Kal steps forward before they can get started again. He nods to Selina, then turns to the Joker. “No.” he says flatly. “ _She_ is just a thief. _You_ are a violent madman. There is no chance we are trusting you or taking you anywhere.”

The Joker considers, then shrugs light-heartedly. “Ah, fine! I thought you might say that,” he says, heavy Gotham accent tipping through his words. “I’m just sorry you won’t be here for the show tonight!”

They had all been tense, expecting a fight. This unexpected response leaves them wary.

“What show?” Barry asks.

The Joker grins. “Why, the light show, of course! You might even be able to see it from allllll the way up here!”

“The light show?” Diana asks.

“He means bombs,” Selina answers, keeping her eyes on the madman.

“The Kitty Cat is right!” The Joker’s voice drops and his expression hardens.

“I’ve already given the order. If you don’t take me with you to get him, a lot of people are gonna die. And you hero-types can’t have that, can you?”

They all exchange glances. “He could be bluffing,” Diana says.

Barry nods. “There haven’t been any major thefts of bombs or explosive materials lately,” he asserts.

“No missing engineers with bomb-making skills either,” Kal adds.

But the Joker’s grin only grows, and he aims a smirk at Selina. The Leaguers look at her and see her grimace. She purses her lips and sends the Joker a look of utter loathing, then speaks to the Leaguers.

“Unfortunately, none of that necessarily means he’s bluffing. He used to be a ‘genius engineer’. He built the bombs that took Gotham’s bridges down thirteen years ago. He could’ve built a bomb all on his own.”

Diana feels shocked, again. She’s been shocked so many times in the past fifteen minutes that she almost thinks she’s growing numb to it.

The Joker looks pleased. “I built those with Bruce’s help, don’t forget,” he says, then sighs. “He used to be so very impressed with me,” his tone is wistful. “Now, those were the days.”

“Bruce would never have helped you build a bomb!” Kal exclaims, just as Selina sneers at the Joker.

“He was impressed with Jeremiah,” she says poisonously, “and even that was a mistake. We all warned him you were gonna turn out _no better than Jerome_.”

The Joker’s expression goes from soft and wistful to venomous, insane fury in a heartbeat.

“Don’t you _dare_ compare me to him!” he shouts. “He was _nothing!_ He was weak, _stupid_ , and small-minded! He was a failure in every way, and I am _nothing_ like he was!”

“Well, _Bruce_ thinks you’re just like him, following in his footsteps and having the same face and all,” Selina mocks, claws out.

The Joker is trembling with rage, and Selina looks ready to claw his eyes out.

Kal is about to step between them again, ignoring his sheer confusion at the turn this conversation has taken, and that is when John arrives.

The Green Lantern flies into the hangar with a somber and determined look on his face, then stops short as he sees the people in the room. He levels his ring in the direction of the Joker, then Selina, then the Joker again, then clearly decides to keep his focus on the Joker as the biggest threat.

“What is going on?” He bites the words out tensely.

Barry scratches his head. “Honestly, at this point, I have no idea. It’s all really confusing.” He shrugs.

The look on John’s face is exasperated disbelief. “Why,” he starts slowly, “are Catwoman and the _Joker_ on the Watchtower?”

“I’m coming with you to get Bruce back,” Selina answers.

“And so am I,” says the Joker.

“What.”

Barry races around and puts a hand on John’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, we’re all really lost and confused too. Apparently Bruce has lots of history with his villains that he never bothered to mention.”

“I’m hardly a villain,” Selina protests. “I’m just a thief.”

“I’m _definitely_ a villain,” the Joker says. “And we’ve _all_ got history in Gotham.” He smirks at Selina, clearly insinuating something.

Selina immediately goes pale with fury. “You _shot_ me, you bastard. You paralyzed me.”

The Joker flaps a dismissive hand. “Well, I had just walked in on you two being all lovey-dovey. Can you blame me for being a little jealous?” he sighs, “Not that it mattered in the end. Bruce found a way to cure you after all. And besides, you stabbed me in the chest – what, five times? Wouldn’t you say we’re even now?”

“ _No_ ,” Selina bites out.

None of the Leaguers even know remotely what to think at this point. John looks a little like his brain has just broken.

 _Jealous?_ Barry mouths at Diana. She shakes her head. She’s still struggling to piece together what’s happening too.

Kal clears his throat and tells John, “We agreed that Selina could come with us to save Bruce, but, um,”

John interrupts, “I’m sorry, what? We agreed that _Catwoman_ could come with us to rescue _Batman?_ And why – how – why do they both know his secret identity?” The anger in John’s voice is palpable.

“Apparently,” Diana says measuredly, “Catwoman and Batman are childhood friends. We are still… attempting to ascertain the nature of the relationship between Batman and the Joker.” She finishes delicately.

John blinks, then turns to Catwoman. “Childhood friends?”

Selina nods. “Yep. I knew him when he was a snot-nosed kid who dunked himself in the pool fully dressed and had food fights in the office.”

They _all_ look incredulously at Selina following that little tidbit. Trying to imagine Bruce as she just described him is an exercise nearly equal to Sisyphus’ labors. Diana notes that the Joker is glaring at Selina venomously.

John turns to the Joker. “And you? What the hell kind of interest could you have in bringing Batman home? You regularly try to kill him!”

Strangely, the Joker looks offended. “I would never kill him!”

“Of course not,” Selina sneers. “You’ll just kidnap and torture and shoot his friends in a pathetic effort to make him insane like you.”

The Joker huffs. “It’s really not healthy to hold grudges, you know,” he says mockingly. He looks at John. “Besides, you don’t any choice. You all have to bring me along or my bombs go off and thousands of people die. Isn’t that fun?” He cackles.

John rears back in surprised fury and glares at his fellow Leaguers. Clark raises his hands defensively. “I was trying to tell you,” he says.

“How do we know you won’t set off the bombs no matter what we do?” Diana asks suspiciously.

“Because I’m not _stupid,”_ The Joker says, as though it’s obvious.

Selina snorts. “Sure about that?” she mutters.

The Joker ignores her. “I need the leverage. I promise I won’t set them off,” he flutters his lashes at all of them.

“Now that’s just disturbing,” John says.

“That’s not good enough,” Clark tells the Joker. The rest of them nod. “We all know your word isn’t worth much.”

The Joker rolls his eyes. “Fine.” He looks at Selina. “I swear on Bruce’s life.”

Selina looks reluctantly considering, but all the Leaguers looks disbelieving. “What.” John deadpans.

“I swear on Bruce Wayne’s life that if you take me with you to find him, I will not set the bombs off. Once he’s home, those terms are over.”

“How are we supposed to accept that as any kind of guarantee?” Clark asks incredulously.

The Joker takes a breath. “Nothing, _nothing_ I do has any meaning without him. I _need_ him. This is the only guarantee I can give you that has any real meaning.” His tone is vehement, and the look in his eyes is desperately intense.

They all stand in stock-still silence for a moment. Barry shakes his head. “Did I accidentally run to a different dimension this morning without noticing?”

Noticing the glares he’s receiving, he throws his hands up. “What! This is weird! Like seriously weird! Since when has the Joker been basically in love with Batman?”

Selina rolls her eyes. “Actually, that’s pretty much been par for the course since they met, although personally I’d call it _insane obsession.”_

The Joker sneers. “You say the nicest things, Kitty Cat.”

She scoffs back at him. “It was obvious you thought he hung the moon or something even before you took the crazy pill and went completely bonkers.”

His expression twists. “It was gas, actually,” he corrects. “A last present from dear Jerome.” He shakes the memory off. “In any case,” he gets back on track, “My proposal is legitimate.”

“You mean your blackmail,” Kal retorts, and the Joker shrugs.

“Po-tay-to, po-tah-to,” he dismisses. “I spent eight years without him. I’m not doing it again.”

That…is a strange statement, but Diana doesn’t care to unpack it at the moment. She shares glances with the other Leaguers while Catwoman keeps her glare on the Joker. They don’t know what to do. Bringing Catwoman along is one thing, but the Joker…

Barry’s foot taps against the hangar floor, so fast that it makes a humming sound. “Well, we gotta figure something out soon,” he says. “We need to go.”

“Fine,” Diana says, looking at the Joker. “You can come.” Her hand rests on the sword at her hip. “But if you take one step out of line, I swear by Hera that you will regret it.”

“Diana!” Kal and John protest as one.

She glares at them. “We have to go get Bruce. What choice do we have?”

Kal’s expression is torn, but shifts to resignation. “Fine.” He looks over at the white-skinned maniac. “Fine,” he repeats, “but we will be watching you.”

The Joker smirks. “Have fun with that, blue boy,” he says.

Diana sees Kal’s fists clench, then relax.

“I can’t believe this,” Catwoman says. “I’m in space, with the damn Justice League, and I still can’t get away from you.”

“I’d be happy to shoot you again so you can stay behind,” the Joker offers.

Selina’s glare is poisonous.

John throws his hands up. “If we’re going, we’re going. The Javelin is prepped and ready.” Light from his ring reaches out, and the doors of the Javelin lower. “Everyone get in – and _you - "_ he glares at the Joker _"-_ _don’t talk.”_

The Joker mimes zipping his lips shut, and gives them a deranged smile. He waltzes up to the Javelin’s ramp, and bows theatrically, gesturing them all up.

“We’re not letting you out of our sight,” John tells him. He points. “Go.”

The Joker goes, followed by Diana and Selina, both of them watching his every move. John shakes his head and goes to board as well, flanked by Clark and Barry. “This is crazy,” John mutters.

Barry huffs a laugh. “I think we’re bringing the crazy with us,” he says, to be met with eye rolls from his teammates.

“Let’s just go,” Clark says, and together, they board the Javelin.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, there it is - 3000 words of unbeta'd weirdness. I wrote this right after the Gotham series finale last spring and then basically forgot about it. I called it 'Excuse for Selina and Jeremiah to Argue'. I don't really think of it as a proper fic, but it's kinda fun. 
> 
> In the finale, I felt like every time Jeremiah spoke about Bruce, he was putting a peculiar kind of emphasis on his words - like he was capitalizing the pronouns he was using for him or something. I almost wrote that in here, but decided not to. I think Jeremiah definitely knows Batman's identity, but he just doesn't really care about revealing it, because 1: he likes knowing a secret about Bruce that hardly anyone knows, and 2: what name Bruce goes by doesn't really matter in the 'game' they're playing. Bruce and Jeremiah, Batman and The Joker, whatever. All he cares about is his obsession with Bruce. I don't think he particularly cares about the nature of their relationship either, he just wants to be close to Bruce in any way possible.
> 
> (Also, I do switch between Kal and Clark a few times while talking about Superman - if that was confusing, basically, when Diana is talking to him/perceiving him, I use Kal, and if Diana is not present, I switch to Clark.)
> 
> Anyway, hope you liked the fic or found it funny or something! I'd love to hear what you think in the comments down below. Thanks for reading!


End file.
